I'm confused. I'm predictable. I have a breaking family. The food I look to find tasty. I trick myself that it must be. All the masalas are mixed perfectly to the gram. Yet I find love least. Ofcourse, now that I've grown up...I am a burden. The adults have recognised the innocence I've lost. Now wanting is weakness. Providing is not imminently necessary...forty moons will surely change that.
I set goals for myself. Cold water showers will make me stronger for I am softer than women. I will make a man of myself. I fear I might develop an alternate personality. That surely is extreme. A little depressive evening isn't. Two maybe? Are two bad evenings enough to start a routine bad hour of the clock? I take motivation from the men I'm surrounded by. Bad is more visible. Good I recognise. Why is it that I remember bad longer! Surely to stay away from doing so!! That's doing good. Not doing bad is doing good. Not doing evil is oozing calm.
I've been wanting to cry lately. It's therapeutic to me. My bed too is stimulating to me. The outside is dusty with a diamond storm. I fear the bad in people. Sadness is prevalent. The hollow promises are tiring. Smiling is tiring. Walking closer to another human being is nerve wrecking. I need to become bolder. Calmer. I need better recognition. I need to hide my eyes even deeper behind my hair. Maybe not. Maybe show someone the eye. Trouble lies. I need to develop stamina for talking. ...just like I improved from my first day of exercises. Stamina for talking!
I must improve my friends circle. Ofcourse Mateen told me. I don't forget. (A man who hides his insecurities so well.)
Fear of tongue is something I'm prone to. While I got practically abused in school by the ones who were supposed to nurture me, the boring routing to go everyday to get kicked and slapped, made me strengthen my muscles. The bones of mine I am prepared for them. So much exercise left me silent. I must be sharper with my tongue now I am stronger. Might this turn me evil? A sharp tongue? Trouble lies. They were not respectful to weakers. I will be. I must be. I am made of it. If not, then I am it. A loose word from me makes me feel good. The movies taught me otherwise. To Speak not talk. I'm more silent nowadays. I can't speak, for a mature talk is become scarce. Like good berries in the jungle. Maybe good adults surround me. My sight is still too weak. A hidden ego blinds me to seek. It whispers...Trouble lies. I'm in need to improve my social skill. Noone will teach for noone can. I must be the teacher to the laziest student.
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