Forgiveness vs Regaining Lost Trust I admire(d) the saying 'We can forgive, but how can we forget?!'. How do I trust someone after their betrayal? Should I? I know the person better than before. I know the person different than before too. Could I? I forgive some. Many have left scars. The scars keep reminding me not to forgive. To get defensive. Not to get more scars. I don't like scars. I don't prefer my past no more. Perhaps things have gotten better in the old maps. But I want to look away. Not(?)preferably to the bright red fruits, or the silk shirts. But the lesser lit wrongs. I have been wronged sure, I must be/stay righteous. Why? I've been programmed to say that. Following Righteousness, It gives me something to look back at. Overlaying the maps of the dark past.
**When did the questions start?**
It was almost past the midyear high school. Typhoid, or was it yellow fever? My parents got closer to me and to themselves too I assume. It got the hang of it, the illness. I knew I'll get better. That afternoon we had a ride to the village. They made special medicine there. A very special family recipe. Well kept. Passed on since generations. We got some for me. Heading home...I was craving for meat. Tender fibrous chicken. Is eating meat evil? Morally speaking. I did have a boiled egg for lunch. The biriyani was fantastic. But the body grew patches. Red ones. First time only comes once. It was my body turning me into a patched being. Maybe like striped zebras. Polkas on deer. Or was I becoming striped Tigers. Polkas on cheetahs maybe. The softest egg. I did enjoy it. Much munch. I did partially, the right thing for myself.
**Inner Rebel**
The Inner rebel in me keeps me in check. I am naive. But I am wild too. Yes! I must tame myself. Or should I? The Inner rebel might stay greater good no longer.
MINDFULNESS
The perfect tool. I have it. I partially know how to use it. Does that make me become just? Many times, not forgiving will be just. Now BRAIN! Don't give me those hormones now. The thoughts are getting cloudy. It will clear out. The remorse migrates. It leaves sommmething behind. Those scars. What are those? In the mirror shallow lake? Nevermind. The mud registered. The water washed it.
Is this denial?
It must be denial. I deny bad. Why must I keep watching it from afar? Yes. Because I must not have similiar images again. I fear. And I fear bad. Hence I deny bad. Very mindful of me. Acceptance: The dare to accept:
Intelligence is praiseworthy. Bravery, which is often uncalculated, is very subjective. Is it subjective to me? In a limited extent. Stupidity and bravery have thin yet bold borders. Like someone drew symmetric red and blue quadrants on a canvas. Often times it is a blur. shocker. Puff.
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